Thoughts, discoveries and breakthroughs w/c 15 July
Why men should wear a cummerbund; more great writing on Biden; the funniest person in the English language; a mysteriously empty Burger King; shut up and seize the day
It’s awards season and I feel like I’m putting on a tuxedo every couple of weeks: pushing the metal studs through the shirt-bib, wiggling on some shiny dress shoes, tying (okay clipping) on the black bow tie, then bounding onto stage and handing out trophies.
“Look at us!” I sometimes say to the men in the audience. “Thank you for dressing up! There’s nothing worse than showing up at an event and discovering you’re the only one dressed like The Bachelor.”
[That line lightly fractures a rule I try to obey - don’t use the same word twice in a joke, or you’ll let a little air out of the balloon you’re about to pop. I used to write for stand up and TV and I love pulling jokes apart as much as putting them together. If you’re interested I wrote about my most important comedy lesson here.]
I don’t dress up much on ordinary work days. Actually, that might be an understatement: recently in the RNZ kitchenette one of the journalists from our Chinese division looked me up and down then asked, more in confusion than anything, “what do you wear on the weekend?”
So yes, when there’s not much effort put in 24/7 I don’t mind dressing up for the occasional 3/1. In fact I am about to add a piece to my black tie outfit: a cummerbund!
Wynn Hamlyn included one with the beautiful tux he made me for the music awards and though I did wonder if it was a bit directional to chuck on for, say, Bay of Plenty Builder of the Year (winner: the guy who nailed together 14000 linear metres of cedar for Theresa Gattung’s Waihi Beach house), I was inspired by this Twitter thread by Derek Guy, probably the most famous menswear writer/adviser in the world. After a (to me) fascinating history of the tuxedo, it boils down to this key point:
See if you can read his line of argument and not be convinced. Then (speaking to men here) take a moment to wonder if you too, when dressing for a black tie event, might be leaving people unclear whether you’re “celebrating an occasion, burying a family member, or closing a business deal.”.
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I talked about electrifying writing last week. How about this paragraph from Martin Gurri, again in The Free Press:
… last month’s presidential debate unmasked the fraud. While Biden gargled and mumbled, a ripping noise could be heard by those who listened closely, a sound like the rending of a veil, the replica vanished like a ghost and 100 million Americans could suddenly behold the cruel struggles of a man tormented by a dying body and a dying mind. The shock of what we saw still lingers, not because it was surprising but rather because it was so predictable and consistent with what we already knew: it was truth, and we have grown used to lies.
As I said last week, this isn’t reprinted as an endorsement of the message so much as a thrilling example of what it looks like when a writer in command of the language opens the throttle and goes for it.
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NZ Herald’s Chris Rattue once wrote a story about reasons to love the English Premier League (soccer). It was a great piece - accessible, provocative, funny - and it convinced me to make some time for good sport in my life. One of his arguments stuck with me - that it was worth following the EPL just for the quality of the written coverage. In a roundabout way that led me to Barney Ronay, a Guardian football columnist who I think might be the funniest writer in the English language, whether you understand the sporting context or not.
Here he is at the Euros last month:
Make no mistake, England had been dreadful in this game to that point. From the opening moments they played once again like a team that had taken the brown acid. Why do England seem to have fewer players? Why are those players demagnetised, repelled, space always between them. Watching England try to play coherent international football here has been like watching a colony of gerbils trying to work out how to assemble a flatpack wardrobe, overseen all the while by a frowning, bearded man who has taken a vow of silent inaction, and as a result can only look on sadly in a pair of slacks and a sports-casual T-shirt.
On a favourite commentator:
Danny Murphy, whose wise words are given depth by a slightly unnerving air, the look of a man who might suddenly announce that he spent three days walking to the studio from Anglesey and would anyone like to buy a bag of meat.
Or perhaps my all time favourite, observing the sideline fashion choices of the Brazil coach at the 2010 Fifa World Cup:
“He looks like the captain of a shark fishing vessel on his first trip to a gay nightclub.”
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I don’t know how they do their training at AA Insurance but their phone consultants are like waiters at fine dining restaurants: mature, warm, supremely competent and able to quickly read what sort of tone each particular customer would most appreciate. We recently had a bath/overflow/collapsed-ceiling incident and honestly the insurance process was so enjoyable I thought about leaving the tap on again next time.
Luckily I had to call them and update my credit card number last week which meant I got another taste of that service without having to pay $1000 excess. It also reminded me to write this quick note about it.
Plenty of people have had plenty of pain dealing with insurance companies in New Zealand but we should also (I think) say something out loud when things go well.
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Food quiz where is this Burger King?
Clue: it’s on State Highway One in a city of 1.6 million people. Yet I have visited here a dozen times, always at major meal times and there has never been more than one other car. Usually there is no one. How are they surviving? Last time I ordered a special burger and it was ready by the time I drove from the menu to the payment window. I’m not complaining, I’m just confused.
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I’m doing a cummerbundless night of chat and banter with Matt Heath at Black Barn next month (our heads are much closer in size irl).
Last time I saw Matt he told me about the Oliver Burke book Four Thousand Weeks - the central premise of which is that if you only have that long on earth why would you spend time doing stuff you’re not that into?
Matt’s example was a TV show - why would you spend a dozen hours on something you weren’t enjoying, when there is so much out there you’re guaranteed to love.
At the time my wife and I were part way through the execrable Apple TV+ series The Last Thing He Told Me which she was quite enjoying.
That night when she turned the television on I thought about my limited time alive, and how much I was hating every minute of this story.
But I kept my mouth shut, because I remembered the long nights she spent sitting through my last pick, The Curse.
We only have around four thousand weeks on this earth, so why spend any of them telling your wife her TV show sucks?
👏💕Glad you are spending your limited number of weeks writing this enjoyable stuff! Totally agree - I can violently disagree with the message (the Biden bit) but appreciate the writing. Same with your soccer/football pieces (which sound like the writers at Colbert or Seth Meyers might have been involved 😁) even though I don't follow the sport.
One of my favourite "sports" programmes is retired top rugby referee, Nigel Owens, giving feedback on recent games & analysing controversial refereeing decisions in his Welsh accent, sometimes with curious bovines looking over his shoulder (he is now a farmer), and with his impish sense of humour when answering questions. Amazing to think he was a gay top referee in world rugby when times were much less tolerant in rugby circles. Again, he is often talking about games I have no interest in, but he makes it extremely watchable & I secretly learn things about obscure rugby Laws (not "rules" - he is firm on that!) for my obligatory All Blacks & other games I watch on TV.
As for an empty Burger King? Consumer has just done an article about spending habits on eat out/takeaway v supermarket ingredients for home cooked meals - perhaps people in this area all have air fryers &/or cutting down on takeaways?
Hi Jesse. I would have pledged support for you but finding it was in $US put me off. Could you change it to $NZ so we can all understand what we are pledging please? Helen