Brain says no
Some beautifully stupid hosting moments at the music awards
I co-hosted the Aotearoa Music Awards Thursday night and again discovered the limits of my brain power. Weeks of scripting, days of meetings, hours of rehearsals and a determination to learn most of my lines for four hours of live stagework (we had no autocue, just cue cards) meant something was always going to give. The fun part is you can never predict what.
When hosting in 2020 I yelled “make some noise for The Beths!” at a confused television audience. They weren’t as confused as Six60, the band standing next to me on stage.
On Thursday I found new ways to baffle the industry.
"I understand Jono and Ben are writing songs in Los Angeles” I said to drummer Tristan Deck when he arrived onstage to collect The Beths’ Best Group award.
“Yes, Jono and Liz are in LA” he agreed kindly, before moving on to other matters.
“Did you just say Jono and Ben?” my director whispered incredulously through my earpiece. I hadn’t remembered saying it, but I knew it to be true.
Ah well, at least I got my fuck-up out of the way early tonight, I thought to myself as the speech continued. Quick costume change during the next act I thought; keep looking at the camera as well as the crowd; gently push this award winner forward so she’s hitting the mark for lighting; remember the cultural advisor’s note during dinner to add the word “te” in Dame Hinewehi Mohi’s hall of fame designation “tuhi mureikura”; stand closer to Kara than feels normal as per the producer’s rehearsal note; try and think of another word for boomer in your pre-written facebook joke because you ad libbed the word boomer in the pre-show and you can really only use a funny word once in an evening before it loses its comedy power …
“What are you doing?” I said into the mic, to a member of the band Corella who wasn’t leaving the stage with the rest of them. Instead he was walking towards me cautiously.
“Did you have someone else you wanted to thank?” I asked. He shook his head, no.
“I think ahe just wants a hug!” I joked in my loud comedy voice to the audience, and wrapped my arms around him.
But he didn’t want a hug.
“Could I have the award?” he asked. I had forgotten to give it to them.
I looked down at the trophy I was gripping tightly. The crowd started to realise what had happened and I heard the beginnings of a laugh I knew would be long and loud. This wasn’t right I thought, I’m meant to be the laugher not the laughee.
It was too late to hide my mistake but at least I could rectify it quickly. I handed the award to him but in doing so lost my grip on the expensive handheld microphone and it dropped onto the ground with a haunting bang, rolled a few feet off the stage and made an even louder bang as it landed on the polished concrete floor of the Viaduct Event Centre.
Everybody was laughing now. My natural instinct to say something self deprecating was foiled by me no longer having a mic. All I could do was stand there pathetically, taking my humiliating medicine.
Is the moment on Tik Tok? I’m too scared to look, and wouldn’t know how to search for it anyway. Do you even search for things on Tik Tok? I’m pretty sure they just serve you up video content formulated to inflame you deepest fears and desires. A smug symbol of the mainstream media doing something physically clumsy for a live broadcast audience? Nah, I’m pretty sure no young people want to see footage of that.
In an attempt to change the narrative I am flooding the internet with fashion photographs of me wearing great outfits from the night. You can read about them in Viva. Thanks again to Wynn Hamlyn, Zambesi, Beach Brains and WORLD for giving me some other great memories to cling to.
Anyway no need to send me comforting messages as the rest of the evening really did go well. You can replay the awards now on TVNZ+.
Where I’m reviewing
Gochu, a modern Korean restaurant in Commercial Bay
“For the second time at Commercial Bay this year, we got chatting to a hospitality worker who was several years into a New Zealand OE and hadn’t managed to travel outside of Auckland yet. Something is going wrong with that system, right? I mean, I know Covid kind of messed things up, but the worst thing about hearing that a waiter from Europe is too broke from living in Auckland to visit the South Island is that, as an Aucklander, you totally get it.”
Where I was reviewing five years ago
Seoul Night in Fort Lane
“This is a restaurant for people who don’t want the usual stuff; people who have lived and worked in the city so long that nature makes them nervous. Seoul Night doesn’t even risk a pot plant.”
What people are asking me
Hi Jesse
A group of us are going out to mark the retirement of one of our colleagues. We’re looking for somewhere close to the city that is suitable for a group of 10-12 people - the retiree has requested “Asian-fusion” but understand that might not be doable! It’s a diverse group so nothing too full on please.
Glenda
Glenda I have just the place.
I tuned into the ‘highlight’ clips courtesy of RNZ so missed your moments of glory, but the fashion was superb! Love that you got costume changes throughout.